Take the First Step: Being the One Who Reaches Out First
"So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." — Matthew 5:23-24 (ESV)
Let's be honest: most of us don't enjoy confrontation. For many of us, it's more than a dislike — it's a real fear. I understand it because I feel it too. But I recently learned what that fear can cost — and the quiet courage of taking the first step.
A while back, a friend and I hit a rough patch. There was no blowup, no single offense — just a string of unexpected events that led to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Neither of us addressed it. What surprised me was how quickly my mind shifted into self-protective mode: I began assuming the worst about my friend, filling in the gaps with stories that cast me as the victim and him as the problem. Those stories triggered my fight-or-flight response, and eventually flight won out; I withdrew and told myself I was justified. Sad, but true.
Then one day, my friend did what I should have done. He reached out and confronted me — gently and honestly — with a strength that showed our friendship mattered more to him than his own comfort. That conversation cleared up misunderstandings and restored what we had; today it's as if none of it ever happened. I was humbled by his courage and disappointed in myself for not going first. But if I'm honest, what stung most runs deeper: my friend doesn't know Jesus. And I'm afraid that by waiting — by not being the one to reach out — I missed a golden opportunity to show him Christ's reaching, sacrificial love.
Now, observe what Jesus says. It's striking. Reconciliation matters so much that He puts it ahead of worship: if you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother (Matthew 5:23-24). Notice who moves first — not the one who was wronged, but you, the moment you remember there's tension. Jesus doesn't tell us to wait for the other person to come around. He tells us to go. Now!
And that's hard, especially when fear whispers that withdrawing is safer. But taking the first step was never about winning the conversation, or even about it going well — sometimes it won't. It's about trust and obedience: doing right by the relationship and honoring the God who reconciled us to Himself while we were still enemies. And there's often more at stake than the friendship: when we move toward someone first — especially someone who doesn't yet know Jesus — we put Christ's reaching love on display, and people can see the gospel in someone willing to go first. Whatever the outcome, you'll have done your part — and God grows something in us every time we choose courage over self-protection.
One honest caveat: some relationships aren't safe to re-enter or pursue — so don't hear today's post as a blanket order to reconcile with everyone. Sometimes, unhealthy and unsafe relationships are meant to be avoided, and the Lord sometimes uses conflict to protect you. Scripture only asks that you do your part, as far as it depends on you (Romans 12:18), to live peaceably with all people. Today's post is about the ordinary tensions we avoid out of fear — not about walking back into harm. But for most of us, most of the time, the distance is just waiting for someone to be brave. You don't have to be the one who was wrong to be the one to go first.
Big Idea
We can find a hundred excuses to avoid reconciliation, but Scripture is clear: we can't wait for the other person to move first. Jesus tells us to go — the moment we remember there's tension — because obedience matters more than our comfort. Take the first step, and leave the outcome to God.
Questions to Ponder
When you read this, does a name or a situation come to mind — a relationship that's quietly gone cold, or one that keeps flaring into conflict? Sit with how you tend to handle tension. Some of us flee — we withdraw, go quiet, and let the distance grow. Others fight — we get defensive, rehearse our case, and confront to win rather than to mend. Which is your reflex — and what does it look like when it plays out in real life? And underneath it, what is that reflex really protecting: your comfort, your pride, your need to be right, or a sense of safety you're afraid to lose?
Application
With your journal in hand, start by getting the whole picture. Name the person, the tension between you, the assumptions and stories you've told yourself — true or not — and the actions on both sides that contributed to it. Then take it to the Lord, and ask Him to help you see it clearly and fill in what you've missed. From there, ask Him plainly: Lord, is this mine to mend? If you sense a yes, pray again: ask Him to prepare both hearts, give you the right words, and make you quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Then go — a call, a message, or a shared cup of coffee — but check your aim first: you're there to restore the relationship, not to win it. If you tend to flee, don't clam up; share your heart. If you tend to fight, come humble and slow, ready to listen as much as to speak. Either way, lead with love. And carry three things: humility comes before honor (Proverbs 18:12); vulnerability invites vulnerability; and the Lord is with you.
Before the Lord — a daily devotional by Blake S. Crawford. Read more and subscribe free at blakescrawford.com/before-the-lord.