Relationships Cannot Be Managed: They Must Be Lived
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." — John 13:34–35 (ESV)
When I was younger, before I knew the Lord, I sought out relationships I could control. Not in an aggressive way — but in a subtle, strategic way. I gravitated toward people I knew I could manage. If I could manage the relationship, I could manage the outcome. And what outcome was I managing for? Making sure they'd never leave. I was terrified of abandonment, so I built relationships around control disguised as closeness and friendliness. That's codependency — and I lived in it for years.
I share this because I think more people manage their relationships than realize they do. Maybe it's not codependency for you. Maybe it's maintaining emotional distance so you don't get hurt. Maybe it's over-functioning so you feel needed. Maybe it's avoiding conflict so the surface stays smooth. Whatever it looks like, the instinct is the same: manage the relationship to manage the risk.
But relationships were never meant to be managed. They were meant to be lived. The bridge between the two is trust — trust in the Lord. We manage because we don't trust. We control outcomes because we're not sure God will hold us if things fall apart. But living in the present within a relationship — with all the mess and vulnerability that come with it — requires handing the outcome over to Him.
That's exactly what Jesus modeled. On His last night with His disciples, knowing full well that one would betray Him, another would deny Him, and all would scatter — He didn't pull back or manage. He remained. He gave them a command: love one another, just as I have loved you. His love wasn't strategic. It was sacrificial, freely given, and offered at great personal cost. He trusted the Father with the outcome — even though that outcome was the cross. That's not a managed relationship. That's a lived one. That's a trusting one.
God calls us into relationships the same way — not to manage people but to love them now, trusting Him with what we can't control.
Big Idea
Relationships were never meant to be managed — they were meant to be lived. The bridge between the two is trust in the Lord.
Questions to Ponder
Can you identify how you control relationships to manage risk? What are you protecting yourself from — and is that protection costing you the very closeness you want? What would it look like to trust the Lord enough to release control and love someone freely, without managing the outcome? Does the Lord hold that place in your life — if everything fell apart, would He be enough?
Application
Identify one relationship where you know you've been managing more than living. Name the person, the pattern, and the risk. Then ask the Lord what it would look like to trust Him with that relationship rather than control it yourself. Whatever He puts on your heart, take one step toward it this week: an honest conversation, letting go of an outcome you've been gripping, or simply showing up without an agenda. Let Christ's love be the model, not your fear.
Before the Lord — a daily devotional by Blake S. Crawford. Read more and subscribe free at blakescrawford.com/before-the-lord.