Arrogance Fuels Strife: Choosing Relationship Over Being Right

"By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom." — Proverbs 13:10 (ESV)

Insolence isn't a word we use much anymore. It means arrogance — a pride so sure of itself that it won't be told anything. One commentator put it simply: an insolent person is too conceited to receive advice. And Solomon says that wherever you find that kind of pride, you'll find strife close behind. The verse has two halves, and they're opposites: arrogance breeds conflict; humility — the kind that listens and takes counsel — breeds wisdom, and with it, peace.

The Moody Bible Commentary says it well: "Insolence is always present when there is strife; pride drives quarrels. Those who are wise have a humble spirit that listens first and is willing to accept good counsel, thus avoiding quarrels." Think about the last real fight you had. Underneath it — if you're honest — was there a need to be right? To win? To not back down? That's pride doing exactly what Solomon said it would.

My friend Scott Engelman coined a phrase I return to constantly, especially when a conflict starts to heat up: "You can be right, or you can be in relationship." In the moment, both options feel possible — but they're not. Insisting on being right, needing the last word, proving your point, dying on your hill: that's the road to strife. Choosing the relationship means valuing peace and the person more than the win. You have to pick.

So here's what to do when you find yourself in the thick of it. Before you replay everything the other person did wrong, turn the lens on yourself and ask: Is there any arrogance in me? If there is — and there usually is at least some — humble yourself. Confess it to the Lord first, then to the other person. Then live the second half of the verse: instead of defending your position, humbly seek to understand theirs. That single move — from proving to understanding — can often turn a quarrel back into a life-giving conversation.

One honest caveat. Sometimes you'll do all of this — genuinely humble yourself, own your part, seek peace — and the other person still won't have it; they're set on being right at any cost. Scripture is realistic about that: "If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet" (Proverbs 29:9). When that's the case, you can keep loving and praying for them, and it can still be wise — not proud — to step back from a conversation that only produces heat and to remove yourself from anything that has become genuinely harmful. But be careful: walking away has to be the fruit of humility, not one more way of insisting you're right. Search your own heart first. The goal was never to win the argument; it's peace, as far as it depends on you.

Big Idea: Arrogance breeds strife; humility that listens and takes counsel breeds peace. When you're in conflict, the first step isn't to prove you're right — it's to search your heart for pride and choose the relationship over the win.

Questions to Ponder: Bring one strained relationship to mind — current or past. Now look past the other person and back at yourself: where was the arrogance hiding? If you can't find it, ask the Lord to show you. It hides in the smallest habits — needing to be right, rehearsing your comeback instead of listening, calling your coldness "just being honest," correcting the detail that didn't matter, going silent to punish, or quietly assuming you're the reasonable one. How many of those are yours? When the conflict flared, which did you instinctively reach for — being right, or being in relationship? And here's the weight of it: what has that pride actually cost you — a conversation that blew up, a friendship that cooled or ended, a loneliness you've never quite traced back to yourself? Sit a moment with how subtle it is — and how much damage something so subtle can do.

Application: With your journal in hand, take what those questions surfaced and bring it to the Lord. You've already named the arrogance and counted its cost — so don't just look at it; do business with it. First, confess that specific pride to God and receive His forgiveness. Then, if that conflict is still unresolved and it's yours to mend, go to the person, own your part — offer a genuine apology, no “but," no rehearsing their faults. That's making peace where pride broke it.

Then look forward. The next time conflict flares, practice James 1:19 — "let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (ESV). Decide now on one concrete way you'll actually do it in the moment. Maybe it’s asking a question before responding? Maybe it’s praying in your head as they speak, asking the Lord to help you hold your tongue and listen. What’s your step going to be? And if you've done all this and peace still isn't possible, ask God for the wisdom to know when to keep loving from a step back — humbly, not proudly.